I hate EPCOT

I looked around the French exhibit at Disney's EPCOT. Overpriced berets. Overpriced "Minnie Mouse as a French girl" dolls. I went next door to seek respite in a croissant from the fake patisserie. It took ten minutes in line to get a fat doughy overpriced croissant. I looked around at the cheesy faux-fauborg and realized that I hate EPCOT. They've managed to take EXACTLY the worst parts about traveling and bring it all together in one place. The tourist traps stuffed with overpriced tschotchkes, the crowds, the soulless token architecture; it's all here, and for eleven different countries. You can travel the world and it's all just like home, just a bunch of crappy stuff to buy.

I realize that this is as close to travelling as some Americans are going to get. Ever been to France? No, but I saw it at EPCOT. Of course, that's all some actual travellers see in the real France, a few tourist landmarks and some crappy stuff to buy in some tourist trap. But at least there you've got the risk of being insulted by an indignant French man for sullying his beloved Paris with your slack-jawed polyester grabbiness. You've got the risk of buying some cheese that looks completely harmless there on the shelf but takes your head off with its raw moldy intensity.

You've got some risk of life surprising you.

But we're not in France, or Morocco, or China, not even in Canada for gods' sake. We're at EPCOT. There is no risk. There is no life. There's only this purgatory.

I'm an idiot.