Thursday, February 09, 2006

I hate my daughter

I'm about this close to losing my shit entirely. I hate my daughter, the middle girl, the 9 year old. The stubborn little 9 year old.

Now, anyone who knows me in real life knows that I ADORE my daughters, I dote on them with a fierceness and intensity that no non-parent could ever understand. The 9 year old is especially sweet, she's a loving child always on the lookout for a hug. I love hugs.

But right now I want to throttle her, like Homer Simpson strangling Bart. "Why you little...."

We're in the parking lot outside of Walgreen's. I've got a bottle of eardrops and she's decided that she's afraid for me to put them in her ear. The ear that hurt so much this morning that she couldn't bear the thought of spending the day at Disney World (yes, still stuck on Disney stories) without going to the doctor's office. The ear that we've just spent the past three hours patiently waiting, waiting, waiting over. Waiting for the doctor at the clinic to see her. Waiting for the admins at the clinic to get her paperwork and prescription done. Waiting at Walgreen's while the pharmacy clerk tried to attend to us and also the lady whose husband nearly died of a heart attack last night. Apparently he's on oxygen at the hotel, she's trying to get his drugs but the pharmacy clerk can't make out the doctor signatures to fill out the paperwork and the hospital can't help her. So I'm trying to be patient. Not like I got problems, in comparison.

Three hours of being patient, of choking it down, being the designated martyr for the day, waiting, waiting, waiting. Now we've got the payoff, here's the medicine, and she doesn't want to take it. If she doesn't take the medicine, that whole three hours will have been exactly worth: nothing.

But instead of choking her, I choke back my anger and we agree that she'll try again after lunch. We've got three medicines, an antibiotic pill, ear drops, and some liquid tylenol with codeine for kids. We go across the street to McDonalds.

I haven't eaten yet today, I wolf down some lunch and we start again, this time with the pain medicine. She. Won't. Take. It. I cajole and wheedle and bribe. I'll buy her anything on the menu to get it down with. Or a tee shirt when we get to Disney World. I threaten: we'll go back to the rented condo and spend the afternoon doing homework. She's sobbing. She puts the measuring spoon up to her mouth, gets all primed and.... no. She just can't do it. I seriously consider just chugging the bottle of Tylenol with codeine myself and to hell with everybody, I'll just spend the afternoon stoned at McDonalds with my 9 year old until the police come. More sobbing. The sweet fiftyish cuban lady cleaning the floors at McDonalds brings her toys from the kids meal, she's so sorry for this poor thing.

Finally I decide to back off. This is just the pain medication, let's focus on the other two that might help her get better. We go out to the parking lot and I get the drops in her ears, the pill down her throat. We spend the other half the day at Disney/MGM studios (the Rockin' Rollercoaster is the best ride I've ever been on. It's all about acceleration.)

That night my wife mixes the pain medicine with some juice. My daughter decides she likes it and slurps it up. She gets a little high and thinks that it's fun.

I'm an idiot.


Anonymous Rick said...


12:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i appreciate your feelings and sentiments here. A new dad myself i love my daughter to bits but she found a whole new set of buttons to push on me. There are those fleeting moment thoughts you get and you hate yourself for having them but they happen.

11:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have a 21year old girl and i have had her baby since birth. i love him more than i love her. she is a drug addict and a prostitute. how do i lov her

12:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You aren't doing her any favours.
Give it a few years, and you will regret caving.
Trust me.
I'm living with a monster.

9:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When my wife and I got together, she already had a two year old girl. I have loved that little princess before she became my daughter. Now she is 15, and we also have two boys, 8 and 10.
I feel like my wife is the stepparent, she has admitted to me several times that she hates our daughter, that she can't stand her. Ever since the boys were born, she completely changed. My daughter was very close to me, I was her confident. But my wife wants me to treat our girl the same way she does. She was even willing to send her away to the "biological bastard". After all I've done to raise her, I was not willing to let him bring it down. Plus, my daughter did not wanna go. I've been her dad since she can remember, and it will stay that way till I die.
Why does my wife hate her? She was 15 herself when she gave birth. Or because she reminds her of him? Or maybe because I love my daughter and sons over my wife? I have no idea. Is anyone in a similar situation?

9:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I took my daughter on when I married my wife eight years ago. The biological father was never in the picture and hasn’t done a thing to be there for his daughter. Now at age 16 my daughter is a living nightmare. She refers to me as her step father and treats me like garbage in spite of the fact I’m the only father she has ever known and has my last name. She is jealous when I spend time with her mother, dabbles in drugs, and bisexuality. In fact it’s so bad our marriage is on the rocks. I’d consider myself lucky that your daughter likes you.

2:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I REALLY hate my daughter... Im having to pay child support. So... I hate her, REALLY.

So... If she wants any of my knowledge and love... guess what... she's going to have to buy it from me.

Welcome to America... where men have no choice in family planning.

8:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, so this is the secret life of retarded, self centered, fucked up parents. Thanks, I always wanted to know. People like you should never have sex.

Maybe being loving to your daughter might have helped her to calm down, not cry, and feel brave enough to take the medicine. Oh, but you probably think you *were* being loving, and I just don't understand. Maybe one day, the life mirror will fly down and show you the mistakes you are making, why everything is the way it is.

9:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You sick, self centered fucks.

1:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow,i cant even imagine saying that i HATE my daughter, hate is such a strong word, we use the word hate for things like rapists and murderers not our kids, i think you parents taht say you HATE your kids need to take a step back and realize that you probably are just frusterated with them try having patients and calm taking but make them realize you are the boss dont' inflict fear apon them or tell them you hate them!

10:13 AM  
Blogger michelle said...

I am certainly not what you would call a "fucked up parent", but my husband and I have 2 adopted daughters who have aged us beyond belief! I guess that we have given them everything a parent could possibly provide, private education since preschool, in the best schools ever, wonderful opportunities, grounded environment, schooling, religious education, college, etc, etc... and you would think that with all this privilege, that they would become upstanding members of their communities.... well... it really doesn't work like that! On the contrary, they have become nobodies...
I am so fed up and I think that I have wasted the best years of my life (20+) taking care of these girls. I am tired, worn out, fed up with therapists,psychiatrists, etc...etc...
How come there is no THANKS PARENTS SITE HERE??? I am truly worn out... too much to give and we get absolutely NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING IN RETURN for raising someone else's children and giving them the W O R L D!!!!!!
What the fuck is wrong with this world????????????????????

10:27 PM  
Blogger michelle said...

don't adopt unless you are in for a major heartbreak and total ignorant nonchalance

10:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Michelle, I am in the exact same boat with my 2 adopted daughters, now 20 and 18, and after our experience with raising adopted children, I would NEVER recommend adoption to anyone, ever! I have given most of my adult life to raise these two and like you, I get nothing in return but grief! They take and take, and use us for what they can get, but I am done giving. They had the best life, tons of experiences, but they are both self-centered, pathological liars who have rejected every value we have tried to instill in them. They are their birth parents' children in every way, and nothing we did made any difference in their lives. Adoption is not the big warm fuzzy that people make it out to be. It has practically ruined our lives, and destroyed my spirit. But unless they've been through it themselves, nobody else understands, and they assume we were just bad parents or something. We had basic rules, basic expectations, we implemented consequences, etc, so we did everything that is supposed to work, but it didn't. These kids make you feel like you are going crazy. I don't think I will ever get over the bitterness I have in my heart after going through all this crap. Adoption is only a good choice if you want to invite terrible heartache into your life. I had one biological child and never had any of the problems with her that I've had with my adopted daughters, and I raised them all with the same rules, etc. You can't parent away genetics, I've learned that much too late. I can barely stand my 18 year old anymore, and I can't wait for her to finish high school and leave! I had such high hopes for her, and she has turned out to be worst of all. She has no family loyalty, and because of her poor choices, I've had to take out a restraining order against one of her "friends" who has harassed me and vandalized my car, etc, etc. Be warned....don't adopt!

8:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's heartbreaking to hate your child. But I understand. I was young when I had my daughter but I did the best I could. She didn't have top of the line stuff, but she was neat, clean and loved. She is 13 and is mean, cruel and manipulative. I don't understand it. I've turned so many cheeks, I've had to start borrowing them. I finally let her move in with her other parent and there was such a sense of peace that I became floored at the revelation that I gave birth to someone I simply couldn't stand. It's heartbreaking, like I said and unfortunately, very real.

11:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate my daughter also. She is mean, manipulative, selfish, and self centered. She is 15 and I can't wait for her to get out of my house. I wish I had somewhere to send her now. I just need some distance from her.

3:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

but seriously you should have told her to take the medicine. if she didn't do it then THE FIRST TIME you should have beat her ass until she did.

3:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No wonder you have these problems with your child. For the love of God, be a parent. MAKE HER TAKE IT! Don't bargain with her, she is a child. You need to tell her what she has to do until she is old enough to start making these kinds of decisions for herself. She is walking all over you because she is in the position of power, you have to plead with her, grow a spine.

11:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My mother hated me and it really broke my heart. I was a good student, athletic, acted out a bit but nothing major and a lot of people liked me. Just not my family. It's usually the scapegoat in the house who is hated and more because the parents won't take a look in the mirror at their unfinished business they project onto their kids.
The theory of a disfunctional family is all members have an assigned roll rather than being allowed to have their own identity. Genetics? Yes some.....
Yes kids do try our nerves and the job feels thankless at times but that 'expectation thing' I am hearing, is a set up for a bigger let down. So sad......

4:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a 12 year old who is an ungrateful fucking know it all. You constantly have to tell her to wash her ass. She can't pick her shit off the floor to save her damn life. She constantly wants to correct you and she doesn't know shit about anything. She thinks she knows better. I am this close to cracking her skull!! I can't stand her. She makes no sense half the time. She comes up with the most off the wall answers to a simple damn question! She's a liar and I don't trust her. Forget about common sense. Her sister has more common sense and she's younger! It doesn't help that dear old dad allows her to talk to him any way she wants. So she acts like she's grown with him. I am so ready to smack the shit out of her. I've imagined my self taking my hands and wrapping then around her scrawny ass neck. I can't wait until she's 18 and out of my damn house. Damn - I really needed to vent!!

8:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How could you people hate your kids?! That's just mean and horrible!!! Yeah, teens can be jerks sometimes, but a parent's job is to love them no matter what!!! That's what families do!!!

By the way, my little brother's adopted, and he's the cutest, sweetest 7 year old you will ever meet!!! So please just SHUT THE HELL UP about adopted kids!!! It's prejudiced and wrong!!! Some are really great!!!

3:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. Please don't tell me you intend to rape these girls once they piss you off by growing breasts and getting their periods. I think you need a shrink.

10:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have just gotten through all your posts, and I must say you are so very much correct in your assessment. You ARE an idiot.

2:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should all chill and get some - I understand all of your anguish, I've been that hated teenager, I've been that parent at times - it all goes past - you are all in a "phase" of life that only you can change, make better - sorry, no one else but you can do it. Lots of Love and Peace to you all!

5:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Being a parent is tough and expensive. I could only see adopting if you feel you need a child and can't have your own. Sometimes I can get so angry with my son, he can lie about obvious things, but lucky for me, he is a good person and genuine and can apply himself. All these daughters make me want fist each and every one of them!

8:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm the original author. It's fascinating to come back to this 5 years later and see all the buttons this has pushed with various readers.

For those who think I'm a horrible parent (either too lax or not understanding enough):

This was an episode where I was very frustrated trying to maintain the balance between those two parental directions. The piece is an extended description of that frustration, amplified for your amusement.

In case you're curious, my daughter is growing into a truly remarkable, smart, capable, self directed, successful high schooler. She's very emotionally grounded and mature for her age. Still stubborn as hell. She's determined to become a novelist and gets up at 5 AM every day to work on her craft and still leave plenty of time for homework.

Those of you who commented to express your frustration with your children and step children: I'm very sorry for your troubles.

My genuine parental advice (fwiw)
Make sure they know that you love them every day
Don't take what they say too seriously. Laugh when they try to push your buttons.
On the contrary, take what they say very seriously. Listen to their goals and hurts and fears. Watch and see what they're good at and reinforce it.
Don't let your frustrations get the better of you (which I actually think I accomplished in the original story although talking about the frustrations was fun)
Make your principles known in word and deed
Expect the best of your children and encourage them when they do well

12:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I found you after writing the same words as your title. My daughter, 12, just head-butted my nose. Why? because I told her to do her homework.
While yours is still 9 (10, etc), do everything you can to teach obedience. Do it over everything else, including education. Everything else can be caught up, but obedience can't. It only gets worose. Get Total Transformation or similar.

6:00 PM  
Blogger paula said...

Wow...are you ppl for real? Have you ever thought about maybe you are the ones who need help?
I have a bipolar/adhd/ocd/odd daughter and I will never think that about her even if sometimes she's a living nightmare. And you step-dads,if you steped into this game,play it all the way 'till the end. She's your child too and she needs love and affection,and understanding-trust-comunication.
Don't you ever you fools give up on them. I know they can be our nightmare most of times, but they our blessings. Your lives would'nt be the same without'em. They love you,but are afraid to show it.
Love,a parent just like you.

7:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love my kids. I do. But there are ages (11 to 14) I wish we could just zap thru like lightning. They are the hardest. My older 2 had their good days and bad days and tried me many times. But my 3rd child, my now 12 year old, is THE worst. I am a single parent. (The father of my older 3 has been, by his own choice, an insignificant absent parent for the last 12 years. My youngest child passed away several years ago.)
Anyway, my 12 year old is an insolent, rude, ungrateful brat. He bullies his 8 year old brother & treats me lower than dirt. I am quite patient until he physically attacks us. I have tried counseling which never worked. I am usually the positive,encouraging parent; but this kid makes me want to give up.
I really want to drop him off at a police station sometimes and let them deal with him.
I was a brat at his age; but not to the extent he is. If I did ANY of the stuff he did, I got the belt or a fat lip.
The only physical stuff I do is to restrain him from hurting others or himself; often resulting in bruised ribs or bruises everywhere else he has kicked or punched me.
He will start a fight over NOTHING>

Just the other day I asked him nicely to please take a shower. (He hadn't showered in 3 days) He looked me in the eye, smiled evilly, and said, "What are you gonna do if I don't, you fat whore?"
I ignored his insult & said calmly, "Please go get your shower. Thank you." The next thing I knew he was throwing things at me & advanced to attack me.
So I restrained him, warned him to stop or I would call the police.
He stopped, so I got up& walked away. He then threw a heavy boot at my head & went to attack his little brother. so I restrained him and whipped out my cell phone dialed the number.I looked him right in the eyes, said, "One more move & all I have to do is press send on here & the cops will be at the door. MAKE. YOUR. CHOICE."
Well, he calmed down for a minute, took his shower & went to his room.
I shut off his light, took away all games, disconnected TV, etc. & he still hasn't earned it back.

His attitude never gets better. He is only sweet when he wants something. Myh older 2 barely speak to him because he is so bad. his behavior is despicable.
No,I don't hate him. But I certainly do not like his behavior.
I tell him every day I love him & give him a big hug, even when he is hateful.
I just pray for this to end soon.

4:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

whoops! I meant to say my youngest child's (the 9 year old son)FATHER passed away several years ago. My 9 year old son is alive & well.
(I just posted the last anonymous blurb about my 12 year old son.)

4:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have the nerve to refer to "non-parents" as not able to understand and being selfish??? You know, I gotta correct myself-after reading these comments about hating kids and taking out your frustrations with your-yes, YOUR-decisions on your kids, maybe I am better off not knowing what goes on in your heads hearts and bowels. When my grandparents dragged my sister and I into a conflict they had with our parents, my dad, when they started talking again, threatened to beat my grandfather with his own wooden leg if he ever did it again. You who hate your kids and "want them to buy your love and wisdom" are a bunch of cowards. You can't fess up to your own shortcomings and mistakes, so you take it out on the children, who had nothing to do with you being an idiot. What a bunch of selfish, maladjusted dildoes.

7:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What in the fuck is the matter with all of you? If you aren't mature enough to take on the responsibility of a child, WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU?

Your children are turning out this way because you are letting them. Learn how to be a fucking parent. For God's sake, these poor children.

If you have such problems, give them to someone who can handle the responsibility of a child. You can't blame your despairs on the child if you had them at 16 and couldn't afford to live, because they don't ask to be "accidently born." If they are being brats then find out the root of the problem and fix it. Don't sit here on the computer saying how you HATE your child. Thats awful and sickening.

Learn how to be a real parent, or don't be one at all.

9:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my mom sacrificed her high school education to raise her youger syblings and when she had me and my sister she worked her self sick every day at hard ass job that didn't pay shit for us she never had to yell and scream at me she was the only one who understanded me never said the things i liked was weird or stupid one day she thought i smelled like purfume and thought a drank some (i have no idea why) and made me drank like a galon of milk i thought it was stupid but she was so worried that i did it any way she died of lunge faliure on my 16th birth day the last thing she said to us was i love yall and she had to fight that out even though the parametics tried to make her stop i was a hand full to she had to go to court for me cuz i skiped class and goit in to fight but she still loved me i still cry for hours at night cuz shes not here its been 6 years now i think it should be illigel to have childern unless gone though strict evaluation if you hate kids for being kids its stupid

1:03 PM  
Blogger susie said...

I gotta post a comment, if you dont have the "difficult" child, you wouldnt understand. I carried My daughter for 9 and1/2 months (yes she was a late arrival), I changed her diapers, fed her, got up early and stayed up la
te with her. Wiped her tears, kissed her booboos. I was there when she cut her first tooth, rolled over, sat up, crawled and walked.Taught her how to ride a bike, swim, fly a kite, make pancakes, blow bubbles and made homemade cookies together.

I stayed in her classroom when the teacher didnt pay attention, got her changed into another class when her class became dangerous. I volunteered at her school between me working and going to school. I have met every teacher she has and has had. I have talked to her teachers, principals and school officer. I have taken her to school dances and chior performances. I took her to voice lessons.

I helped her with her homework. I read her bedtime stories. I bathe her and taught her how to bathe herself, taught her how to wash her own clothes. I switched my schedule to accomodate her schedule. I was there when she got sick in the middle of the night. I cleaned her puke, and her bloody nose. I took her to the doctors, dentist, orthodontist, neurologist, counselor and even a sleep study.I was the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and Santa Clause. I am a good mom.

I tried all kinds of things with her to get her to behave and be the beautiful young lady I know she is deep inside. I tried grounding her, yelling at her, taking her to a counselor (for a year and a half), talking to her, explaining to her, teacher conferences and she continues to misbehave and her behavior continues to decline. She has now pushed me to the point that I never thought I would be in.

She has disrespected me over and over, she dont listen, ignores me, she lies, she sneaks out, sneaks people in, blows me off, she demands rather than asks, writes foul language on herself and the things me and her father have bought her, yells at me, excessively argues with me, question my rules, act defiant, is disruptive, she has become mean and hateful, then she hit me and she is only 12.So yes I can see how someone can hate their child.

9:01 PM

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9:09 PM  
Anonymous EricaG said...

I have a 8 yr old daughter myself who I dote on & love more than life itself. 90% of the the time she is a well-behaved, well-mannered, sweet, funny child. The other 10% I want to wring her little neck! The story was funny. All parents have been there before. As for the rest of you, I dont even know what to say. You shouldn't have been allowed to pro-create (or adopt) You should all be stabbed in the neck with a pencil for saying half of what you said. Especially you child support guy!

10:02 AM  

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