Creep

Ok, picture me doing my best Richard Nixon, jowls flapping, chin tucked down to my chest, shoulders hunched up, both hands in a V for Victory. And in my best jowly Nixon voice I say, "I am not a creep." Nobody's fooled.

That’s how I feel sometimes around women. Denying the essential creep-dom that comes along with being a man. My mom was afraid of men so she really tried to raise me to be asexual. She used to be fond of saying, "I knew that at some point you'd grow up to be bigger than me, so I trained you from day one to never hurt a woman." So I've got this weird overstated chivalry, women are fragile flowers who must always be taken care of, and they're scary monsters I could never understand, and they're sexy as hell.

I had my first real date at age 20. I didn't have sex until I was almost 23. I married the first woman who had sex with me, we've been together 25 years.

Oddly, my best friends are always women. I'm more like most women than I am like most men. I am not macho, never have been, never wanted to be. I've never been a jock. I've never enjoyed just thumping on my friends for fun. I've never enjoyed breaking things. I've never ever slagged on women in general. I like to cuddle. I talk about feelings.

I just have to get through the creep barrier, then it's all good.

Because I really think I do sometimes come across as creepy when I first meet a woman, especially if I'm attracted to her or find her interesting. I have one very good friend now who I couldn't even look at for the first six months I knew her because I was afraid I would do something stupid. She's a very beautiful woman. It was particularly awkward because I was her boss. She'd come in my office to talk about her job and I'd look at my desk, look at the walls, anywhere but look at her. How did we get to be such good friends? It's a mystery.

You start off with eye contact, but that's pretty scary because sometimes you can see right inside, or she can see right inside you. Then you're hosed. So you look down OH SHIT! I JUST LOOKED AT HER TITS! DID SHE CATCH ME? Think I got away with that one. Nice tits, though.

Much safer to play with the things on your desk or stare up into the corner of your office like you're searching for bats.

I even went through a phase where I fought a compulsion to look at every woman's breasts. I've never told anyone this story. Every woman, whether they were sexually attractive to me or not, I had to try to sneak a peek at her hooters. My boss at the time was a woman, a great individual for whom I have tons of respect. Also, one of the few women on the planet who I never found sexually attractive. No how, no way. I shudder to think. Still, I had to struggle to keep my eyes off her boobs. It scared me. A lot.

One time I was in a meeting with a very attractive woman and the compulsion struck. I said to myself, ok, when you get a chance, take a good look and be done with it. Maybe you can just fulfill the compulsion and it will go away long enough to finish this meeting. I took a nice long admiring look and I got busted. I never would have guessed that someone could pack so much scorn, disgust, and anger into one withering look.

I could never bear to meet with her again. It's a coincidence that I moved to a different company shortly after that. But maybe not entirely a coincidence.

Eventually the compulsion went away, but it could come back. So I'm very cautious. Keep your eyes where they belong. Don't look, don't touch, and don't let on when you want to.

So when I do meet a woman who I want to be friends with I get so nervous. I want to say, "Here's my credentials, lots of women friends, see, look, here's pictures of my kids. I'm not a creep, really and truly."

What could be creepier?